“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you. . . . They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
“I have long known that it is part of God's plan for me to spend a little time with each of the most stupid people on earth.”
“The remarkable position in which we find ourselves is that we don't actually know what we actually know.”
“The average Southerner has the speech patterns of someone slipping in and out of consciousness. I can change my shoes and socks faster than most people in Mississippi can speak a sentence.”
“There are only three things that can kill a farmer: lightning, rolling over in a tractor, and old age.”
“What an odd thing tourism is. You fly off to a strange land, eagerly abandoning all the comforts of home, and then expend vast quantities of time and money in a largely futile attempt to recapture the comforts that you wouldn't have lost if you hadn't left home in the first place.”
“My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can't make your children carry.”
“There are things you just can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he's ready to see you, and you can't go home again.”
“He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor.”
“I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted -- stay up all night or eat ice-cream straight out of the container.”
“And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven't yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food?”
“If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar-playing, you will have some idea what popular Turkish music is like.”
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